I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
