so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
