when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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