Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
