I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
