Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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