R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
