if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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