I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
