Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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