you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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