If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
