When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
