i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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