You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
