I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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