had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
