Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
