Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
