well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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