I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sorry my hands just texted you
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
