You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
