She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
