I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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