Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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