So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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