Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
