Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you made out with another girl for some wings
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
