Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
