can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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