i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
