1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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