..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
