we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
