Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
