I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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