he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
