Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
