Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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