Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
