Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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