I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
