I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
