theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
