dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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