alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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