I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
