I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
