he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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