she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
